I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
