I wish I could punch you in the face.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
