I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I think i peed on brittanys purse
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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