Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
