and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
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I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
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I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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