My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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