how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
