you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
