God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
