The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
