Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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