call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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