so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Operation Purity has been aborted
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
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