don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
You left your phone here
Wait...
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