Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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