I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
