herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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