The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
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what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
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I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.