Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
lets start a swedish sibling band together
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.