I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
