My friends, they love my intelligence
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
