So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
