her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
