my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
