I'm really into asian looking animals
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
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