i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
