Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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