Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
