just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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