i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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