So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
