I just saw a hot homeless man
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
