the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
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