So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
He has the fingertips of a God
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