mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Is it penis luge time yet?
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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