Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Randomize
