i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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