how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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