Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
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