Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
