I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Too much gin, very little bucket
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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