i don't like sucking hair
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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