Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
