Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
