I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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