Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
