You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
