so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
It's official drugs can't kill me
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize