No awkward lesbian experiences without me
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
