If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
