oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
barbara walters just said penis...
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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