wrigley field is MILF paradise
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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