Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
