I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
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