No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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