I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
