I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
